Teenage Lessons

What can you teach a teenager in five minutes?

I've been doing pretty well with my three year-olds, six year-olds, and I've been all right with the 17-18 year-olds, too. I've made a pleasant discovery that doctors totally take off diapers to check whatever, but then they get to say, "Okay, I'm gonna let you put him back together now," and go on their merry way. I can even calmly complete an ear exam with a screaming one year-old now, which I consider the crowning glory of my first pediatric outpatient week.

But those adolescents and early teens, they're awkward and weird and not at all like the other age groups. To be sure, I am the consummate professional, and always do my best to speak factually, without showing signs of discomfort.  Sometimes I just make a quick little speech about teenagers being at higher risk of STDs, drugs, etc. because 1) we don't have the time in one office visit to explore the depths of their bourgeoning sexuality and angst, 2) the pediatrician himself doesn't go near the topic but I feel like they should - even if briefly - hear the message we are taught to deliver, and 3) I've been told teenagers just want the spotlight to be off them and not have to talk much about themselves. I do all the things they tell us in class, to make sure the parent is out of the room when asking about sex and drugs, always reiterate safety, and let them know they can talk to their doctor if they want information.  I do the speech in front of the parents, skipping the personal questions part, when I don't actually think the kid is into anything yet.  But it bothers me when the parents look uncomfortable. I think, this is their kid and they're the ones uncomfortable here? Then I second guess myself: am I overstepping boundaries? I sure would want an authority figure drilling into my kid that they should avoid sex and drugs but be careful if they do decide to do them.  But of course I realize I'm not everybody, in fact, I'm not even a parent. So what do I know.

So what can I do... I guess just stick to the biological and statistical facts and be nice and polite and personable.  And bide my time until pediatrics is over in three weeks and I can go back to talking to adults about their sex and drug habits... you know, back to the easy stuff!