Long Live the Starbucks Empire

Conglomerate coffee is a good thing. People talk about how they kill the culture of independent coffee houses. I don't care, because as far as I'm concerned, independent coffee house owners only employ their village idiot cousins. All Starbuckses have exactly the drink I want. It's like the "hidden menu" at In-'n-Out. They don't post it on the menu but when you tell the cashier, he knows exactly what you mean and there is even a pre-programmed key on the register that rings you up for that exact item. (Try your next burger "animal style.") My drink is called a "Misto." It means "mixed" in Italian. Quite apt that I should go for a drink called "mixed." But anyway, it's a very simple drink. It's also one of the cheapest things you can order and sip on for hours while you take up space in their establishment. It's about half the price of a mocha, and considering how much time I spend studying at cafes, that comes out to quite a bit of savings. It is made of half hot chocolate and half drip coffee. I like regular coffee, because espressos make me destroy the bathroom and the chocolate I like, just a little bit, to take the edge off the bitterness. Anyway, still with me? Fill your cup halfway with hot chocolate, then add coffee to fill up the other half, and -voila!- you have a misto. Not so hard.

However, apparently it is an impossible drink to make for anyone that hasn't earned the title of "Starbucks Barista." I never realized what a strenous entrance exam Starbucks administered until I started trying to order my drink at random, independent coffee houses. At other coffee chains like Peets or Tully's, I meet with success half the time. Which means I don't the other half of the time. In the manner of Darron's blogs, his is how a typical experience in a NON-Starbucks coffee shop goes:

Cashier: Hi, can I help you?
Me: Yeah, hi. I don't see my drink on your menu, but what I'd like is a small cup of half hot chocolate and half drip coffee, please.
Cashier: *quizzical look on face, long pause*
Me: It's kind of like your Cafe au Lait, only with one pump of chocolate in it.
Cashier: *long pause* Okay, so you want...?
Me: Half hot chocolate, fill up the rest with regular coffee.
Cashier: *cock head slightly, glazed look, silence, then pick up cup and start writing. Drink Maker wanders over.*
Drink Maker: What did you want?
Me: Half hot chocolate, and half coffee. Like a Cafe au Lait with chocolate. Or a Mocha with drip coffee instead of espresso.
Drink Maker: Oh, okay. No problem.
Me: (silently) Thank God.
Cashier: *calls to Drink Maker* So what do I ring it up as? Is it a hot chocolate or a coffee? *discussion ensues, minutes pass*
Drink Maker: Okay, ma'am. You're drink's ready.
Me: Thank you! *take a sip, realize that he has given me half a cup of pure chocolate syrup (!) and mixed a little coffee into it*

Insert your own variation on this conversation and I can guarantee that it's happened to me. Now, I can see the argument that you shouldn't get upset if you're doing all this special ordering and changing everything around. I used to work at McDonald's, and you should have seen the things we did to the stuff people special-ordered! So I have sympathy for the poor inbred at the counter, too. One should be happy with what one gets. We all know the type, at restaurants that have to modify every ingredient of the dish. Well, I don't like being That Person either. But if I'm paying for something, I would prefer that it not give me diarrhea. So for anyone who has wondered why I'm such a Starbucks fan, and also for the rest of the world that doesn't care, that is why I love Starbucks. Because I don't have to be That Person AND I still get the drink that I want AND I don't crap my pants while sitting in class or traffic.

Go Starbucks!