Crazier Than the CPS

Excerpts from the psych ward:

36 year old female:
Me: So how's your mood today? (we have to ask each patient this every morning, you'll see why)
Patient: My mood has been following me around.

26 year old male Ivy League grad:
"I started thinking, well, I call my family overseas and so maybe they're wiretapping my phone calls to intercept me. I think people are out to get me, to turn me into a terrorist. Sometimes I can tell myself, 'It's not real,' because I've never participated in any sort of terrorist activities, so why would they want me? But other times it seems they plant magazines and newspapers at newsstands to try to influence me, and the thoughts become so overwhelming that I can't convince myself that it's not real. So at one point I was in [foreign country] and walked into the embassy, because I was sure that they were trying to get me to recruit me into being a terrorist. And that's when this last string of hospitalizations began.:

45 year old female who just tried to escape:
Me: So are you able to sleep well at night?
Pt: God comes to visit me every morning around 4am. I just push him away. But he changes his mind a lot. I'm not pregnant anymore.
Me: You're not? You were pregnant with twins three days ago.
Pt: See? He changed his mind. You know the "virgin baby?"
Me: Yes.
Pt: You're God's type, I can tell.

26 year old male:
"I just recently went through puberty. I found a way to arrange my sleeping bags into a cocoon, and in there, I learned freestyle masturbation, and that allowed me to transition into adulthood."